Saying Goodbye to Paisley #StillBORN Campaign

Published on: 01/06/2018

On July 1st 2017 I went for a routine midwife appointment, which I went to with my mother and Then is being sent to the hospital for a Doppler study and then a scan to find out our baby girl had no heartbeat. It was a hardest moment I have ever hard to deal with, I instantly thought,” no this is a dream it can’t be true.” and then reality hit me and I burst in to tears . I had to ring my partner and tell him we lost the baby and she had no heartbeat, he was at work, he came to the hospital straight away and we was told the next steps.

I was told I would have to give birth to my baby naturally 2 days later, the thought of knowing I was carrying my dead baby girl inside me for 2 days was an awful feeling. The world seemed to stand still and felt like everything else was a blur and then came the day I went back to the hospital. I was in hospital all day from 10:30am and was in labour for 1 hour 52minutes when I gave birth to my beautiful stillborn daughter Paisley Eloise. At 8:33pm on the 3rd July 2017 weighing 3lb 6oz. There was a brief period of time I actually hoped she would cry but I knew this wouldn’t happen, I held her in my arms and she was perfect, it was as if she was just asleep and would wake up at any moment.

It was only once I had gone through still birth that I realised how common stillbirth is and how I wasn’t alone in this experience.

Luckily for me my experience with the staff at Bolton hospital was amazing nothing was too much and they went above and beyond to make sure my partner and I were well looked after. We was settled into the butterfly room with our little girl in a cold cot and we spent the next 3 days with her making the most of our precious little time with her, we had professional photos done with her and was given a memory box with casts of her hand and foot prints.

The bereavement midwives treated our little girl with such respect and treated her as if she was a breathing baby, to them she was no different and that was touching to see.

The days at hospital and going outside for some fresh air and seeing other women outside the smoking area of maternity was hard to see and I was angry sometimes, we heard whilst another women was sat outside in a wheelchair, smoking away on a cigarette and speaking with someone on the phone ( we can only assume it was a formed or family member.) saying that they could hardly find a heartbeat. That was hard to grasp, that some women were smoking whilst pregnant and then there was me a normal healthy women didn’t drink, followed all the rules on eating healthy and didn’t smoke and I lost my baby due to no heartbeat and I thought to myself where is the justice in this. What did I do to deserve this. I know everyone has there own reasons and circumstances, but still it was hard to justify why my baby was stillborn. My pregnancy was completely normal, all the tests normal and no explanation as to why it happened.

Paisley Eloise was my first child, my first pregnancy.

The day we had to make the journey to the morgue and leave our daughter there was the hardest thing we ever had to do to finally leave the hospital and see other mothers and fathers leaving with their babies, and my partner and us leaving empty handed and our baby in heaven was even harder.

My family and friends I have to say have been amazing, my partner and I found it so much easier to talk about our experience and felt it helped us cope with our grieving.

We had a post mortem done on our baby and my placenta, all we could do was wait to find out what had happen, if they could find any cause. Then it was arranging the funeral which is never something a mother or father should have to do, burying their child. To see the small pink coffin our little girl inside it, it isn’t something I would want any parent to have a to witness or experience.

8-12 weeks later in October we found out the results of the post mortem and we found out our baby was perfect she had no issues with her at all, all my blood tests were normal, but they did find Microvascular blood clots in my placenta which they believed had some factor in the stillbirth and that my placenta hadn’t grown the way it should have which caused my baby girl to not get the nutrition she needed.

Both me and my partners family and friends have been amazing and the support we both received was amazing and we couldn’t have asked for better family or friends. Also my partner and I have been stronger than ever, we have been there for each other, been strong for our baby girl who is now watching us from heaven.

Couple of weeks after my still birth a friend I went to secondary school with came to me and told me that she had just lost her baby to no heartbeat, it was horrible to hear but in a way I was glad I could be of some help to her and tell her she isn’t alone and to not bottle it up, she needed to talk about it as her baby was real and was apart of this world even if for a short time, as was the same with our little girl.

A lot more awareness is needed and women need to know they can talk about it and talking really does help. It definitely helped my partner and I.

My partner and I are. Currently  expecting our own rainbow baby due in September, a little boy.  I am anxious every day and praying 🙏🏼  that he remains strong and that he arrives with us safely. The worry of stillbirth never leaves you. And the loss of your baby will remain till the end of time, I am pregnant again but my baby girl will never be forgotten.   I now have to take blood thinning injections everyday to lower my risk of blood clotting and have regular scans and reviews at the hospital, but the worry never leaves you. I hope and pray everyday my baby arrives on this earth safely and I know my little baby girl is watching over her little brother and keeping him safe and strong.

Rachel Lowe